Needing It To Work
by Gypsy Love
Summary: The break up between Joey and Sydney in season 3, Sydney's point of view.


I saw things slipping away. I loved Joe. I mean, he was amazing. And I loved his kids, Craig and Angela. I found them a little difficult to deal with at times. I'll admit that. At times. Angela was a bit…messy. Craig was a little…sneaky. But I loved them and I loved him just the same and I'd put a whole lot into it. Everything. I needed it to work.

Then there was Caitlin. Ditzy blast from the past. Intruding. Always there. And I saw the way he looked at her. I mean, I saw.

I needed Joe like he needed me. I'd been wound up tight for so long. I hadn't let anybody in. I wouldn't get hurt again. I'd been hurt. College romance. College clinical depression. I had loved that boy so much and so deeply that the rejection was staggering and so I built walls. I wouldn't be hurt like that again. But that was college. Over 10 years ago. And I was realizing that the only one who was hurt by those walls was me. Joe was the first one I let in. He cracked my air proof walls, my sunlight proof walls, my love proof walls.

I worked at the relationship. I tried to tone down my OCD, tried to accept a little mess. A little mess was good. Things didn't have to be perfect and that's what I was learning from Joe and his kids. And I was bringing order to their disordered world. It would have all been so perfect if it wasn't for that little fly in the ointment, Caitlin Ryan.

I'd come home from a long day at work, a stressful day, ready to relax by the fire with Joe and a glass of wine and she'd be there. I'd walk through the door and she'd stand up, looking flushed and frazzled and they both looked guilty and I would just sink inside myself, going so deep. Inside my walls again. My hands clenched into tight fists by my sides.

I'll admit it, I wanted her gone. I couldn't stand her. So she babysat. So what? So she had a good rapport with Craig and Angela, so what? It was me that they needed, not her. Not her ditzy clutsy brand of screwing up. Me.

She was over more and more and I couldn't take it. I saw how Joe would look at her. She had to go. And then we come home and she's in his window, dangling like some bungling thief. I just stared at her, her blond hair hanging around her flushed face, the apologetic words on her lips. This was it. The final straw.

She had some story about looking for her palm pilot but I knew that was just a cover story. I didn't know exactly what she was doing dangling from his window but I knew it wasn't for the reasons she was giving. So I sent Joe and Angela upstairs and prepared to lay it out for her. Head down, going to battle, I was drawing the lines. I didn't really notice Craig coming in and standing by the door. This was between me and Caitlin.

"They don't need you. They need me. Look, I get it. Joe's amazing. They don't need some ditzy blast from the past,"

Her face crumpled just like I hoped it would, her bottom lip quivered. That's right, bitch, don't mess with me. Joe called to me then and looking right at her I called back to him, "I'll be right up," and I still stared her down. And I went upstairs, hopeful now that it was taken care of.

Then Craig's show at Degrassi. I'd heard him rehearse the song a dozen times in the garage, sometimes with Ashley, sometimes without her. He was okay. I mean, alright. He didn't have the greatest voice but he made it work, and Ashley did have a beautiful voice. It was nice sitting there with Joe and Angela. I wished I could have seen Angela's show at the ice skating rink but I had to work. There was no way out of it.

Ashley slapped Craig hard across the face, and me and Joe looked at each other, eyes wide. I wondered what he had done to deserve that. It must have been something. Men could be so thoughtless, even when they were teenagers. Ashley ran off stage and Craig followed after a guilty little look at the audience. He did something, alright.

"I better go see if I can find him," Joe said and I nodded, said I would stay there and watch the rest of the show with Angela. It wasn't that long and when it was over we all spilled out of the auditorium. I held Angela's hand and scanned the crowd for Joe. I saw him but not Craig. Maybe he hadn't found him.

"Snake, can you watch Ang for a minute?" he said, handing Angela off to Archie. Something in his tone made me feel cold. Something in his eyes. What fresh hell was this?

He pulled me to the side and said in a tone of voice I'd never heard him use before, he said, "did you say something to make Caitlin go away? Craig said he overheard you,"

I looked down. Goddamn that sneaky kid. What the hell did Craig know about it? I needed Joe, I needed that family. I needed to have love fill the empty walls I had created. And Caitlin was ruining it. It could have been so perfect if it wasn't for her. I was well within my rights to get rid of her. Fuck Craig and his 15 year old brand of knowing fucking everything.

"You're scaring me over here," I said, tears filling my eyes, my voice thick. It didn't matter. It was over. I heard it in his voice. I saw it in his eyes. It was over. I felt the walls crumbling all around me, crushing me. Maybe I could rebuild them. Piece by piece and brick by brick, I'd build those walls again.


End file.
